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A Blank White Wall

Pandora's Diaries | Personal Narrative

I stare at a blank white wall, watching the clock as the seconds tick by. It’s an odd feeling, one that I cannot put into words. Thoughts that were previously racing through my mind at the speed of lightning, suddenly disappeared and all I could see inside my head was emptiness. Nothingness, almost like dense fog, filling my mind, pushing away any thought, memory or emotion, not allowing it to pass by.

A strange trance comes over me. I don’t feel anything, I don’t see anything. Laying there, I felt hopeless, sickened by the fact that my mind had so much control over me. I felt confused, as to how I got here. Lost, I continue staring. Staring at a blank white wall as the hours on the same clock progressed faster than they felt.

In the midst of my fog, I sense a thought floating by. Determined to explore it further, I try to focus. A long list of “to-dos” and an overwhelming flood of emotions took over, and suddenly, the fog didn’t feel so bad anymore. Day turned to night and once again, I had done nothing. Productivity became a farfetched concept and frustration over the lack of awareness and help around me, continued to build.

Though, it’s not always bad. Some days are better than others. I giggle and watch baby animal videos, and feel mesmerized by the lands my array of books can teleport me to. Yet, everyday, I am reminded that alternate universes are just an escape, and a harsh return of the fog comes over me, sending me back to my blank, white wall. Stuck in a constant rut, I continue with my life, not knowing how to change.

So many terms, illnesses and advice thrown around, but what would work for me? I go back to my blank, white wall, and I take a moment to stare and map out the methods of the prescribed “10 steps on how to be happy again” and nothing seems to work. I feel alone, yet I’m surrounded by people. Some of them say “smile more!” or “It’s all just in your head - Just relax a little”, while others remain blissfully unaware of the radical transitions my brain makes between brooding silences and devastating storms.

Not knowing what to do next, I go back to laying on the floor, and staring at my wall, hoping that one day relaxation will come naturally to me – hoping someday we won’t have to stare at blank, white walls to find that peace.

By Veda Rodewald



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