Pandora's Diaries | Personal Narrative
I stare at a blank white wall, watching the clock as the seconds tick by. It’s an odd feeling, one that I cannot put into words. Thoughts that were previously racing through my mind at the speed of lightning, suddenly disappeared and all I could see inside my head was emptiness. Nothingness, almost like dense fog, filling my mind, pushing away any thought, memory or emotion, not allowing it to pass by.
A strange trance comes over me. I don’t feel anything, I don’t see anything. Laying there, I felt hopeless, sickened by the fact that my mind had so much control over me. I felt confused, as to how I got here. Lost, I continue staring. Staring at a blank white wall as the hours on the same clock progressed faster than they felt.
In the midst of my fog, I sense a thought floating by. Determined to explore it further, I try to focus. A long list of “to-dos” and an overwhelming flood of emotions took over, and suddenly, the fog didn’t feel so bad anymore. Day turned to night and once again, I had done nothing. Productivity became a farfetched concept and frustration over the lack of awareness and help around me, continued to build.
Though, it’s not always bad. Some days are better than others. I giggle and watch baby animal videos, and feel mesmerized by the lands my array of books can teleport me to. Yet, everyday, I am reminded that alternate universes are just an escape, and a harsh return of the fog comes over me, sending me back to my blank, white wall. Stuck in a constant rut, I continue with my life, not knowing how to change.
So many terms, illnesses and advice thrown around, but what would work for me? I go back to my blank, white wall, and I take a moment to stare and map out the methods of the prescribed “10 steps on how to be happy again” and nothing seems to work. I feel alone, yet I’m surrounded by people. Some of them say “smile more!” or “It’s all just in your head - Just relax a little”, while others remain blissfully unaware of the radical transitions my brain makes between brooding silences and devastating storms.
Not knowing what to do next, I go back to laying on the floor, and staring at my wall, hoping that one day relaxation will come naturally to me – hoping someday we won’t have to stare at blank, white walls to find that peace.
By Veda Rodewald
Any facts, views or opinions are not intended to malign, criticise and/or disrespect any religion, group, club, organisation, company, or individual.
This piece published on this website is solely representative of the author. Neither the editorial staff nor the organisation (Political Pandora) are responsible for the content.
While we strive to present only reliable and accurate information, should you believe that any information present is incorrect or needs to be edited, please feel free to contact us.